Year Published: 1994
Dear readers, I apologize most profusely for my attenuated absence. For most of the past week I've been trying to get through a Mark Strand anthology, which did not go well. (It's not that I dislike his work -- quite the contrary -- but I find it very difficult to get through.) I was flailing to find something else that could grab my interest for the week, but when one of my close friends had a piece published on Salon that was tangentially related to peer marriage, I thought I would pick up Love Between Equals again and read it through.
I try not to review books here that I've read before, since I like to come to each read with a fresh take, but in this case I had one anyway, as I barely remembered anything about the book. Love Between Equals is the end result of a sociological study that Dr. Schwartz conducted regarding a certain kind of marriage, one she terms "peer marriage." (Unsurprisingly, I first read this as a requirement for a class in college.) Peer marriages are ones in which the traditional male-first hierarchy is toppled, and husband and wife have forged an equal partnership. In Schwartz's words:
They want a marriage that has intensity and partnership and does not create the distance between men and women that is inevitable between people of unequal status and power . . . . The common theme among these peer couples is the preservation of intimacy, the desire to be neither oppressor nor oppressed, the commitment to a relationship that creates a shared universe rather than parallel lives.
This work is interesting to me as a feminist, as a heterosexual woman who one day plans to marry, and as a friend of many heterosexual women who will soon be getting married. (Today's post actually coincides with my discovery that I will be assuming the mantle of bridesmaid for the wedding of my college roommate!) It's frustrating, as someone who cares about women's rights, to see the advances that are made every day in the public sphere (just looking at today's news, I see that China is increasing the number of female delegates in its parliament) and to observe that the private sphere remains largely unchanged: women still do most of the housework, most of the childrearing, and most of the emotional work, regardless of whether they work outside the home. (And, similarly, they are of course much less likely to work outside the home.) What's a feminist woman who someday wants to get married to do?
Well, in Schwartz's view, the idea of marriage and the idea of equal partnership are not mutually exclusive. She interviewed dozens of couples who claimed to have egalitarian marriages and tried to pin down exactly how they achieved those ends, and what the rewards and failings of this lifestyle were. Those interviews comprise what I think are the most intriguing and compelling sections of the book, where Schwartz's academic language (which is at a minimum, but not nonexistent) falls away to reveal the heartfelt words of the people living these peer marriages.
I enjoyed this book very much, because it is clear about its agenda (i.e. getting couples to think about egalitarianism as a way of life) but also honest about the various consequences of peer marriage. Additionally, unlike the raft of self-help books about marriage and gender relations, Love Between Equals is heavily researched by a Ph.D. in sociology and as such, is written at a highly intellectual level and supported by hard data.
Recommended? Absolutely. While you're at it, pick up a copy for any friends of yours who are engaged or recently married.
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